Am I doing this right?

I am NOT a theologian, Bible scholar or a product of the Christian schools. I am a person who grew up attending church, but never feeling a part of it. Over the last several years I have had a series of "close times" with God, and even thought that I was finally "getting it". But last year, I moved as close to Jesus as I have ever been. The prelude to war was so concerning to me, to my faith, that I emersed myself in the Bible and other books, prayer, and discussions with anyone who would talk with me about what Jesus was all about.

I truly felt the Holy Spirit moving in me.

But why now am I having a hard time feeling Spirit moving in me? I've heard about ups and downs on the Jesus train, but I just can't seem to find consistency in how I live. I wonder if I should feel "it" everday. I hear people talk of rising first thing in the morning in praise and prayer. Of how they just seem to float on air and spring out of bed full of the Spirit. It's hard enough for me to piss straight in the toilet first thing in the morning, let alone be worshipful. I find myself asking, "am I doing this right?"

I struggle reconciling what I read about Jesus, and what I see in my life and the world around me. I absolutely love the quote on rick's blog: Personally, I don't have the guts to follow Jesus, so I often settle for being a Christian.

That's so me.

Following Jesus is hard. Period. I fall so short of what He calls me to be, it amazes me that He even bothers.

I still consider myself a "new" Christian - I can't quote the Bible off-hand, I'm not up on the latest theological principles, or feel like I can go toe-to-toe with someone who is.

So I just keep going back to Jesus. What he taught, and how I live are so different- I need to close that gap. This journey will take the rest of my life, but I would not want it any other way.